TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully away from place. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Indeed, confident, let's have A further location where by American Adult men can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply everyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he ought to quit making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the job, replied, "You recognize, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head visible from Place, a aspect getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the building's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not simply hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Options


Probably the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 18% stated "in which's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting attention from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even contain:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Ideas from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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